It's probably time

I cling to everything that is old and that I've built. I started this when 15 and silly. I'll be turning 21 this year. But this blog has been quiet for awhile, has been silent for months and I feel no need to communicate through it anymore. I need to learn to let go of things, things that carry memories but do not create. I need to stop waiting, and waiting for a response of relief. Because waiting is tiring and I tire easily. This blog has served as a place for me to express my feelings every bit of it, but I don't do that anymore. Because I  have found another haven for me to do it. I tried as hard as I can to keep you, but you didn't, so adios, sorry if my heart is cool towards you.

New Year, New Challenges.

I loved you then, and I love you now.Don't wave no goodbye.

It's amazing how two years had past and yet the same song still plays. Well two years had past and yet I remain stagnant as the water in a well. I feel disconnected, and it's my fault I know. I am the one who's too lazy to say hi, how is it going? I am the one who doesn't try, because trying takes a lot of effort and effort takes energy. Right now, my energy is nowhere near where it was last two years ago. It's a the level where I wish to sit in the cubicle which I call my room all day. Days had past with me spending all of it inside these four white walls. Some might say I'm wasting my life away, well....indeed I am. I am a prisoner of my own sanctuary.


Good morning, and in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and good night.

You and you alone

Don't depend on people.

I was stupid enough to do so.

Two lessons in one week.

Trust God. Thanks for showing me that I only need You. 

I lost my head in San Francisco

The thing is, I miss you terribly.

I don't show it because my ego won't let me. What if you don't feel the same way.

I trick myself by saying that I don't care,

but there's no fooling anyone,

I miss you and I want you to miss me too.

And we talk less and less,

I wanted to tell you things,

but it always seem like you don't care enough

so why should I talk to a heart that does not feel enough

I'm getting used to it,

The weeks that goes by,

What if I really stop caring,

I don't want to,

But it's too painful.

Sorry for the hostility

I don't mean to,
I just want home, I want familiarity.

I want to be where I belong.

I see you're doing fine without me, but I want you to miss me.

#I really need to start blogging again. To start a new blog? Or not to start a new blog?

In the end I am still that 15 year old girl

I might be older, my eye-bags are up to a point of no return to a well rested face. Teens were criticized to be unpredictable, impulsive and naive. Luckily for my parents, I'm a chicken, I was predictable, maybe boring. I hate risk, ( I would be a horrible entrepreneur) I grew up being taught that, risks that involved consequences are bad and you should stay away. And so I did.

I plan to continue this, my heart is much more safer.

Insanity

It was a Thursday last year,
You bought Panda,
I ate a bagel.

Today is the Monday of the new year,
I bought a bagel and you ate Panda,
And that is how it goes.

Unidentified emotion

Dear blog,
You know what happened today? My uncle died. Innalillahiwainnailaihirojiun

One less face I get to see this raya, oh wait, I won't be here for raya.
I wasn't close to him, he was, well my uncle. He was family nonetheless.

You know what is really sad though? The thought of my cousins losing their father, the thought of my dad losing his younger brother.

Cest' la vie.

Don't leave me tongue tied.

It's slowly coming to my realization that I'm mostly likely to be leaving MALAYSIA.

This means that I'm going to be separated by thousand of miles of land and sea from my family and friends.

I am currently in denial about that, but I can't say goodbye to any of them. The thought of it is just too overwhelming. Even thinking about it makes me want to forgo leaving to the US.

I asked my mum whether she regretted the decision of staying here for her studies, and without hesitation she said "No." I guess I now realized it's not the place that gives you joy but what you make out of it.

I think I can confidently say that I would be happy to stay in Malaysia and I would not regret if I did not go to the US. But I don't want to stay in my comfort zone forever. I want to grab every opportunity that I get and make the best out of it. Even if the opportunity calls for leaving my loved ones behind, TEMPORARILY.

So InsyaAllah, I am making the right decision. Even if it's a mistake, heck let's learn from our mistake.

"My thoughts are stars that I can't fathom into constellations."- John Green. ( That is why I am slow at writing letters, but I will, by hook or by crook.)

MAJOR PAIN

This post would be about how my laptop keypad is a piece of _________ .

I have to type really hard now.

It's really annoying.

I want to punch someone.

Lately, I've been pissed about everything. It might be that time of the month again.

Little things that matter

I subconsciously set some silly goals for me. These are some of it.

1. To get straight A's in SPM.

2. To pass my driving test before I turn 18. ( I passed the test on the first try, ho yeah. Glad, I am. Until now I feel the driving test was by far the scariest test I had to go through. )

3. To study abroad before I turn 20. InsyaAllah.

I don't know why I set these things, I just like to. Life has been good. There are  ups and downs but on average it has been kind. Just need to keep reminding myself that!

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy.  -Robert Anthony

My heart it is bruised

I have been given an offer to be on the waitlist for UC Davis.

If I can't get into Davis, then bye bye my dreams to be admitted to Berkeley :(

This is just sad. I'm so down now. Got to shake this feeling off.
Ah, maybe this is a wake up call from God.

You don't always get what you want. But you get what you need.


Yes.


I just need a moment to recover.
It never gets any easier :)

Everybody wants to be a cat

I wanted a cat that is fat. As round as a ball. I wanted a cat that was a lazy, who would just sit on my lap and listen to my rant. I wanted a cat who would greet me and would be please to be in company.

Instead, I have a cat who is as demanding as me. Who would not let me hug him, who would demand people to open the tap so he could drink. This is my cat.

Empathy, I have it.

The reason why I'm so emotional about things is because of empathy. I have too much of it. The feeling goes as fast as it comes, but the moment it's there oh boy will I be ugly.

If you're in pain, I will feel it too. If there's a bird that got hit by a car, I have to numb my heart and not think about it. Well I just finished reading The Book Thief. The characters are lovely, too lovely in fact. You could even feel how warm they are across the page. And you feel as though all their memories are yours too. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend you should.

The first pages were confusing to me, this happens to each book I read. But once you get into the groove that's when it's good, that's when you don't want to put it down because you're dying to know what's on the next page.  I guess that's why I haven't read a lot of book but I  still consider it to be one of the most enjoyable past times.

I don't know how I jumped from empathy to reading books. Probably because I cried like a baby, again reading this book. And it's not just a tear rolling down the cheek, they were waterfalls. There's also adorable moments that makes you giggle and you keep rereading the same part. I'm a sucker of childhood love story because it's pure and uncomplicated. Too bad I won't have one of my own because certainly I am way pass the childhood phase and my childhood consisted of me and dolls. No lemon colored hair boy to rescue a book floating in the river, for me.

Oh well, life goes on. And I still have stories to be apart of.


Though I empathize animals, but certainly not INSECTS.

DIE YOU ROACHES. DIE.

Uncomfortable feelings

I have to write an essay entitled "My Idol". KO-PLN. I just don't understand.

Frankly speaking, I don't really look up to anyone. The trouble is when you look up to someone there's always this expectation that the person is like perfect. But I guess the person I admire most would be my dad. But I don't want to write about my dad, why? 1. It's cheesy. 2. I don't feel comfortable talking about something personal to a person, who isn't even my lecturer.

I could write about J.K Rowling. Maybe I'll do that. I know should try to be honest in this type of stuff. But I really don't like it when a stranger is reading something personal. Hah, I so can't be a writer. Oh well, economics it is.

I know my posts have been short, but I don't have anything significant to blog about.

Till I rant again, bye.

It never gets easier.

Family : People who put up with my singing in the car.


I don't know how many times I've blogged about laziness, but I can't shake it off. I'm actually quite happy now, well I doubt I'll be in a few days because college would resume and that means I have to finish my work. Assignments, assignments, frankly speaking I learnt very little from my assignments, I know that's bad. I should be sucking the facts like sponge but nope. Brain, why can't you be useful?

I really need new songs to listen to. I'm listening to some of the songs when I was in Form 3. Reminded me of all the craziness. I was really into all the Fueled by Ramen bands. I wish I could listen to a song and not get sick of it. So I could just listen to that every time I have no song to listen to.

Wow, I really have nothing to blog about. That's me, ladies and gents, the most boring girl on the planet.

You know what job I would like? A travel show host, like those lonely planet people, gosh. Travelling and it's their job! I would love to walk in the streets of Morocco, or visit the buildings in Turkey. And then you get to see their culture, oh that would be awesome. Hah, I don't even know my own culture well. But what the heck, I don't care.

Heh, maybe I'll get a job offer to be secret spy so I have to travel all over. Well, let's see what happens. You'll never know what tomorrow brings.

Heavy eyelids.

I have nothing to blog actually. I'm just bored.

So tired, yet I don't want to sleep. 

1, 2 don't mess up.

Why must they torment me.
Cameron's voice, oo-er :[ so nice. The falsetto, ahhh!
Better sleep before I stay up til the break of dawn.

So long, farewell.

ALHAMDULILLAH

Praise GOD! I got into a freaking university.
Though I am very grateful but the build up isn't that exciting you know. Just log in and voila on the homepage they say Congratulations! You have been admitted.
Oh I'm just oh weee!
Then it fades.
BUT I GOT IN! Oh after all that struggle, after all the tears, I got in.

Some days stay golden

We started in the morning, drove up the the hill. Excitement was the only thing I felt.

The best concert I went to was The Click Five in Genting, I don't know how many times I have mentioned this but it's true! I liked the fact, it was just me and my parents. I had my own hotel room. And the affogato after the concert was nice.

Good memories are painful.

You think capitalism is evil, procrastination is worse.

 Dear blog,
this week has been one of the shi*tiest week. I did not believe that Spring semester would be so hectic, but I feel like I had mountains of homework this week. I think it was just me and my procrastination. I am the KING of procrastination and no one can compete.

But my procrastination has been pushed to the limits. I will finish my work a day before the presentation, like at 3 a.m. It affected my health until I had a fever. But sadly I couldn't even take a day off because of all the work. Usually I won't feel the effects of my procrastination, because in the end my work will be finish and the cycle continues. But today was different, I certainly learnt the value of time. I really did.

I had an economics assignment due today at 12. I thought I had the time in the world since I finish class on Thursday at 12, so I had like an evening. But me and my wandering internet fingers were watching videos until 10 o'clock at night. So then panic sets in, and I like fumbling to finish an essay about capitalism, which I knew nothing about. I was so stressed out that my head was throbbing, and I had to call it quits at 2 a.m.

The next day I woke up 8 30 a.m., there I go typing for my life. I didn't have time to mend my first paper! Oh I am just so disappointed with myself. I have been letting myself down a lot. Because I know I should have tried harder. But I thought even though I rushed but my second paper turned out well if I say so myself. BUT I HAD ACCIDENTLY CLOSE MY WORK WITHOUT SAVING IT. All I could mumble to myself was "Fuck." Oh I was just numb by then. But instead of crying and calling my dad, I finally just suck it up and type what ever I remember.

After that, I saved whatever new paragraph I did. Paranoid. Forever. God certainly taught me a lesson here. OH gosh, one that I won't forget. I really hope I didn't screw up my grades.

Do you ever hate yourself? I have, sometimes I'm even sicked of myself. Sick and tired of being too darn emotional. Sick and tired of being useless and spoilt. I am rotten. But I guess I am being a bit harsh. No I'm not going to kill myself, I'm trying to change, I'm trying to be less bitter. I know some don't believe that somethings are just hard to change, well my disposition is just that. It's really hard.